


Special

by tintatalk



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Canon, Jiyong being lovely, M/M, grey ace Seunghyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tintatalk/pseuds/tintatalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seunghyun fails to come to grips with his asexuality. Jiyong helps. A lot. Canon</p>
            </blockquote>





	Special

**Author's Note:**

> cross-posted on aff under a different username 
> 
> i started writing this last year but it was only a few days ago that i really wrote the bulk of this. i didn't write for months so there may be a distinct change in writing style part way through oop.
> 
> i would like to say that I'm no expert on asexuality/grey-ace... like not at all, and if there are any discrepancies with your own personal experiences, please enlighten me!! also no medical knowledge at all.. so, haha.
> 
> oh yea, warnings for some underage sexual stuff.

It doesn’t take Seunghyun long to realise that he’s a little different.

The kids at school talk about girls and sex, and as the resident rapper, they come to him for questions. They expect him to know everything as they stand in front of him, wide-eyed and curious. So, Seunghyun talks. He tells them about the English words he’s learnt through rap, like _girls_ and _pussy_ without really knowing what he’s saying. But it’s okay, because they laugh and for a brief moment Seunghyun feels like he’s on top of the world. He’s the rapper, the bad boy, they come to him.

When he grows a little older, now in high school, (he rapped underground for the first time a month ago) they don’t stop coming to him. Instead of asking him what the English words mean, they now ask him what _girls_ and _pussy_ is like. He’s the one who’s a little older than the rest. He’s the _bad boy_ , the _rapper_ , he’s meant to know.

Except Seunghyun doesn’t.

He’s never had a girlfriend before and the only thing he really knows about girls is that his mother is a good cook and his older sister likes makeup.

But that’s not what the kids want to hear, so he lies.

“They’re really amazing and really soft.” He says slowly, imagining what touching a girl would be like. “Like marshmallows.”

He thinks about the one time he accidentally touched a girl’s boob, and smiles to himself when the boys around him coo in agreement. They drink in everything he says, spouting out their own experiences and Seunghyun is glad the attention is off him. Sometimes it’s hard to reply their questions, because he just doesn’t have the answers. So one day, Seunghyun decides to fix that.

 

It’s not the hardest thing in the world to find a girlfriend. Seunghyun knows he isn’t the best looking guy and he probably weighs a bit more than what girls usually look for, but in the grand scheme of things, finding Yeona was quite easy. She’s a little older than he is and she’s big on rap. She comes to his performances, cheers him on and Seunghyun’s glad he’s found somebody.

One day she kisses him before he goes on stage and he feels like he’s going to die. Her small body is round and soft and his stomach feels like jelly, firm but wobbly. He walks into the venue with the biggest smile on his face, and thinks that his younger self was right, girls are like marshmallows.

 

Everything with Yeona goes well, things progress and one day Seunghyun wakes up with a smile on his face. Today, he and Yeona are going to get the house to themselves. His mother and his sister are going away and Yeona had already promised to come over. Unlike Seunghyun, Yeona is a little more _experienced_ and he hopes that she’ll be able to lead in everything they do.

When she comes over and tells Seunghyun she’ll take control, he hastily agrees. His nerves are through the roof, head light and fingers tingly. With haste, he clenches his fingers a few times, restarting the motors to get the blood flowing once again.

She sits on his lap like she always does, and he wraps his arms around her, gently starting things off. They kiss and it’s nice – smooth, warm and sure. Her soft hands gently tangle themselves in Seunghyun’s hair and she slowly moves her hands down his broad shoulders, down his stomach and towards his cock.

The movement stirs his interest, and he finds himself getting hard. Everything is extremely pleasant, the pleasure growing surely but steadily. He watches her with wide eyes, peering at her slender hands trailing over his arousal with interest. It's weird, he finds, watching someone touch his cock. Strangely arousing in its own way. Seunghyun raises his gaze towards the ceiling as Yeona continues to wrap her fingers around him, stroking him well and good. The pleasure in his gut stirs, interested, and it peaks to a high before it suddenly fades. His cock deflates slightly, arousal decreasing. Seunghyun stares at the ceiling as Yeona continues to kiss down his neck, down his open shirt. It’s good, but his arousal isn’t coming back.

Yeona's lips feel nice, soft and certain. He knows he likes the way they feel, but for some reason, his cock isn’t getting hard. After awhile, Yeona seems to get annoyed and Seunghyun feels a slight sting in his chest at her expression. He soothes her, touching her instead, feeling her body and the way she responds to him. She’s having a much better time than him and when he goes down on her, her whole body shakes until she lies on the bed with a satisfied smile on her face.

Seunghyun doesn’t get off that day.

 

They break up soon after and she curses him and his broken dick with harsh words. It hurts that it’s all his dick’s problem, but when he walks home, he tries to think about it rationally. Maybe he wasn’t as attracted to her as he initially thought. Maybe she just wasn’t the one.

He spends the rest of the night in his room, his hand down his pants, eyes glued to the porn on the screen. He touches himself when he sees the girl. He rubs his hand once, twice, but his dick lolls uninterestedly in his hand. Throwing his hands up in spite, he shuts the computer down. He’s tired, he’ll try again tomorrow.

The next night, when he comes back from school, he has his set up all ready. There’s porn on his computer, a tube of lotion and a whole lot of tissues. The thought of this being the first time he’s ever really masturbated before makes him feel weird. He knows through the friends he has that it’s a normal thing, masturbating, but he’s never really felt the urge. Usually he’s busy, or he’s tired. He’s experimented before but he’s never completed the action of jerking himself off.

So Seunghyun thinks of this as a learning experience when he dims the lights, turns on the screen and tries again for round two. When he watches the girls on the screen, he doesn’t feel much. The girl has large boobs and Seunghyun cocks his head to the side.

Nothing.

He doesn’t feel anything looking at her. When the flick changes and shows the male on the screen, he stops. He can feel his dick rising at the sight. The guy lies down on the couch, his lean body stretching over the plush cushions and Seunghyun’s hand starts to wander down below. He doesn’t stop to think what it means that he finds more interest from the guy than the girl and instead finds himself pumping his dick, his touch steady.

He continues to pump himself in time to the man in the film, his dick getting larger, getting harder before he stops.

His dick is going down again.

Seunghyun looks down at himself, staring at his softened cock sitting gently in his hand. He felt it, he really felt it there for a second. For a brief moment he felt that urge, the urge to continue before it stopped. Just like it did with Yeona.

He tries once more with the video continuing to play in the background. He hears the grunting sounds coming from the male actor and he knows that he should probably be able to get off.

But he can’t. He doesn’t feel anything at all. No urge, no arousal.

He reaches his non-lubed hand up and rubs at his forehead, his eyes stinging with the first hint of tears. Why isn’t it working, he wonders. Why can’t he get off?

What’s wrong with him?

He clicks on the video to stop it from playing, looking at the images on the screen. The man is in the act of getting off, his dick large and hard.

Seunghyun looks back down again and wishes that his dick was hard too. Why isn’t it hard?

What is wrong with him? Was Yeona right? Is he broken?

He turns off the computer, puts his sleeping pants back on and hides in his bed, pulling the covers up like a protective blanket. If he hides from the problem, maybe it’ll go away. Maybe it’s just today. He can try again tomorrow. He has been feeling tired, maybe he just wasn’t in the mood.

Seunghyun rubs at his eyes and sniffs twice. Tomorrow. It’ll all be okay tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

 

The thought of what happened the night before remains in his head when he goes to school and pretends to be cool. Since he’s a little older now, the kids don’t really come up to him anymore. They’ve grown up themselves, and Seunghyun guesses they’ve grown up enough to go experience everything they used to wonder themselves. Feeling cynical, he thinks about how he’s the one now left behind because of his broken dick.

When he goes to the local place to rap at night, he stares at all the girls and the boys there, waiting to feel something. He bites his lip when he does, staring at a boy who looks somewhat familiar, looking completely out of place. He finds himself looking at the boy frequently throughout the night, trying to figure out why he looked so familiar and why his lanky figure made him feel dizzy.

It’s the same feeling he used to get when Yeona kissed him. He wonders what that means.

After he’s finished his set, he gets cornered by the boy and his short friend behind the stage. It’s only then does he remember where he knows the boy from.

“Jiyong?” His eyebrows furrow, his mind trying to wrap around the fact that his middle school friend is now standing in front of him. He lets out a laugh. “I can’t believe it’s you.”

Jiyong lets out his huge gummy smile Seunghyun remembers from years ago. The reaction is the same, except now Seunghyun’s chest feels heavy from the sight of it.

The other invites him to try out at the big entertainment centre he’s currently at with the boy next to him that Seunghyun learns is called Youngbae. They tell him how it’s amazing and that they’re planning on debuting as a special hip-hop duo.

“It’s great, hyung! It’s different to what you’d expect,” Jiyong’s smile is wide and he says the words so animatedly. He adds his own hand movements, indicating his excitement and causing Seunghyun to laugh.

Jiyong’s smile drops at Seunghyun’s laugh and the elder quickly makes way to mend the damage he’s dealt by laughing in the other’s face.

It’s not that he isn’t happy for his old friend who looks like he’s ready to conquer the world. It’s just that…

“Can you imagine an idol company taking _me_?” Seunghyun says somewhat bitterly, his fingers twitching at his side. He wants a cigarette. “I’m not exactly idol-cut, if you couldn’t tell.”

He gestures to his stocky body that seems especially large next to toothpick Jiyong. Idols don’t look like him.

“YG doesn’t care about that, hyung. It’s different!” Jiyong is shaking his head. “It’s about the music more than anything.”

The younger boy seems so convinced about it all, like Seunghyun’s not already destined to fail because of his weight. Seunghyun slides his head backwards a little and looks towards the ceiling, thinking things through. It doesn’t make sense for them to hire him when he looks the way he does. He’s not good looking, and sex sells. He can’t sell that. He can’t even sell normal sex.

He’s broken after all.

Jiyong gives him a business card before he leaves, telling him to think about it and that he would really love to make music with him. Out of everything Jiyong has said the whole night, it’s this that gets Seunghyun to think about the offer more thoroughly.

He remembers Jiyong from when they were both two kids rapping broken English. Jiyong had always been ahead of him, already in an agency when they were young. They were fresh and they had fun. Seunghyun can only imagine what it would be like for them to be doing music together now, now that they’re older and more experienced.

Seunghyun holds onto the business card, and places it safely in his wallet before he leaves.

 

When he calls Jiyong up a few days later, the other’s excitement is so infectious, Seunghyun can’t stop himself from feeling excited either. They plan to meet up with each other, Jiyong eager to help him with his recruitment, spewing myriad ideas through the phone. When they eventually meet up, it’s just Jiyong this time, Youngbae nowhere to be seen.

Seunghyun thinks he likes it better this way.

The two of them find themselves in Seunghyun’s bedroom and Jiyong shows off all the little techniques he’s learnt since he’s been at YG. He tells him about the teachers there actually giving a shit about what they do and exclaims nearly ten times how things are going to be amazing with Seunghyun there.

Surprisingly, Seunghyun finds himself getting giddy too. He has been a little down with the whole broken dick thing, but he’s managed to push that aside, at least for the time being anyway. Jiyong’s been with him every day, going over Seunghyun’s material and helping him with his audition which in itself makes his day.

He forgot how funny Jiyong could be and most of the time they find themselves rolling over Seunghyun’s bed laughing instead of doing anything really productive. Their personalities mesh with each other so well, their likes, dislikes all practically the same. They sit together and listen to Seunghyun’s favourite artists, and when Seunghyun asks who Jiyong’s favourite rapper is, he finds himself in awe when the other mutters out the same.

They’re like two peas in a pod and one day when Seunghyun’s sitting on his chair, watching Jiyong roll over his bed with a play angry expression on his face, Seunghyun has the urge to kiss him.

The thought shocks him and he finds himself unable to really talk to the other when Jiyong comes and stands next to him. His cheeks burn when Jiyong reaches a hand over to shake his shoulders, acting as silly as usual.

“You okay, hyung?” Jiyong asks, his hands still gripping Seunghyun. “You’re not speaking as much today!”

The older boy mutters out something about not feeling the best and Jiyong nods sympathetically. The younger removes his hands and starts walking towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Seunghyun manages to call out despite his head feeling dizzy.

Jiyong throws him a dazzling smile, and Seunghyun almost falls off his chair.

“I’m going to get you some porridge!”

Jiyong walks out of the room with a few words telling that he’d be back soon and Seunghyun lets out a sigh. He touches his hot cheeks and gently presses one hand to the area on his shoulders where Jiyong rested only moments ago.

He has a crush on Jiyong.

He has a _crush_ on Jiyong.

He _likes Jiyong_.

Maybe he’s not broken after all.

 

When the time comes for him to do his audition, Seunghyun is only minimally nervous. Jiyong has been with him every day, helping him perfect his part while giving him tips on what YG liked/disliked. He shakes his nerves away. He’s got this. Plus Jiyong is waiting outside for him, he can’t disappoint the other.

The thought of his _crush_ makes him feel jittery once again, despite previously brushing the nerves away. He can’t help the feelings that build up inside of him at the thought of Jiyong and he takes a deep breath, trying to will away the thought of Jiyong’s huge grin from his head.

As he steps into the audition room, the calmness he felt before immediately shatters. The way YG is staring at him makes him feel uneasy, like he’s already doomed to fail. The other gives him a once over before he nods at him to start and Seunghyun tries to calm down despite everything.

All in all, he performs well. And when he catches the somewhat impressed look on YG’s face, he grins inwardly. He’s got this.

But then it turns out he doesn’t.

“You sounded good, very good. I can see why Jiyong talks about you highly. However, your…” he waves his hands around to indicate Seunghyun’s body, “isn’t what we’re looking for. Come back and see me if you manage to lose the weight.”

He leaves the room in shock and nearly walks past Jiyong waiting impatiently by the door. The other springs up from his chair, almost knocking a pot plant over in his great haste.

“Hyung! How did it go?” Jiyong asks quickly, his eyes wide.

When Seunghyun doesn’t respond, Jiyong’s mouth closes and he bounds over to give Seunghyun a big hug.

The younger says a lot, telling Seunghyun how he’s going to speak with the CEO once again and hopefully get him to rethink his decision. He leans back and there’s determination in his eyes.

But Seunghyun can hardly concentrate on all that. Despite failing the audition, despite being called ugly, fat, his confidence disintegrating like dust, he managed to get a hug from Jiyong.  

Maybe the day wasn’t so bad after all.

 

Seunghyun works really hard after that. He promises to lose the weight in a few months, he hardly has time to see Jiyong or feel anything besides a strong resolve for YG’s approval. He wants to be by Jiyong’s side. He wants to rap with him.

He doesn’t want Jiyong leaving him behind.

And with the way Jiyong tends to take on life, Seunghyun knows for sure that if he doesn’t try, Jiyong is going to speed ahead. Seunghyun would be a simple childhood memory.

So Seunghyun works his butt off. He stretches, he exercises, he laments. With the way he is going, he hardly has time to see his old friends, his old crew. They tell him they miss him, that they want him to rap underground.

But Seunghyun has no _time_.

Plus Yeona is there. He doesn’t really want to see her again or be reminded of the fact that he’s broken. He has no time to be broken. Seunghyun only has time to work out and talk to Jiyong. That’s all that matters to him anyway.

 

All the working out pays off when YG finally accepts him. He leaves the building with a huge smile and Jiyong grinning happily next to him.

“I told you, hyung! I told you! You’re amazing,” Jiyong swoons from the side and the two of them walk together with their arms wrapped behind each other’s backs.

Seunghyun feels like he’s on top of the world. Everything he has done has paid off and now he’s there with Jiyong literally beside him. They're together.

 

Time flies after that as Seunghyun gets settled into his routine. There’s a lot more dancing than he expected and for some reason, he just can’t get himself to move the way the others can. He watches Youngbae slide over the floor with jealous eyes when the instructor scolds him for not trying hard enough.

But what no one seems to get is that he is trying. He’s trying yet his limbs don’t work as nicely as the others.

Jiyong used to help him with his dancing but since the other was told he would have to be part of an idol group with Little Seunghyun of all people, Seunghyun hasn’t seen him as much. After spending so much time with his best friend, Seunghyun feels the distance strongly.

He jokes around with Little Seunghyun, Hyunseung and Daesung, trying to act like nothing’s wrong but the laughter doesn’t come as easily as it does when Jiyong is around.

 

Things get better and eventually Little Seunghyun now known as Seungri and Jiyong bond over a _drama_. And not just any drama, but a period drama. Just the thought causes Seunghyun to collapse into chuckles. It's so Jiyong to be grumpy for months over something before reluctantly getting over it because of a drama.

One day Seunghyun catches them huddled up on the couch, Seungri blabbering about what he thinks is going to happen while Jiyong plays with his hair. It’s such a cute sight that Seunghyun wishes he could take a photo. It’s really during times like these that Seunghyun is so glad he took Jiyong’s advice and tried his hardest to get in. While it hasn’t been the easiest road, he’s here and he’s with people he really cares about.

Worth it.

 

Eventually when Seungri asks him about his dating experience, Seunghyun cowers in a little. They’re all sitting around their breakfast table, Seunghyun with a spoon of rice in his hand. The rest of them perk up at the topic and look towards their eldest hyung, all eager to find out details about his elusive dating history.

Seunghyun puts the spoon down and scratches the back of his flaming ear in embarrassment. He’s been so busy with the group and with practice, he hasn’t really had time to think of his broken self. He thinks back to his escapade with Yeona, the one girl he was ever with, and doesn’t dare to look Jiyong’s way.

“What are you talking about Seungri?” He instead moves over to rub the other’s head despite the younger groaning in protest. “I’m the most innocent of you all!”

The rest of the table moans at his lacklustre response, not realising the truth in his statement. The conversation changes and Seunghyun looks towards his food, his stomach dropping. He puts the rice down and excuses himself.

He’s not hungry anymore.

 

One night he catches Seungri watching porn and he teases him about his taste for big breasted women for the rest of the week.

Seunghyun tries to ignore the ache in his stomach.

 

Seunghyun feels like he’s constantly riding a wave. He ebbs and then he flows. One week he’s packed to the brim, promotions almost choking him in intensity, the next, nothing.

Unlike most, Seunghyun finds the weeks where he’s not busy the worst. Those are the weeks where Jiyong likes to go clubbing and as such, where Seunghyun goes clubbing.

He doesn’t mind the whole clubbing aspect. They’ve made a few friends that he really enjoys spending time with and most of all he loves spending time with Jiyong. It’s mostly a lot of fun, and Seunghyun resents himself for always being pessimistic.

It’s just that he can’t handle watching Jiyong flirt all the goddamn time. Men, women, it doesn’t matter. Jiyong is a master seducer and if the grins on the few walk-of-shame victims say anything, Seunghyun knows he’s just as good in bed as he is out of it.

Not that Seunghyun would know anything about what that’s like.

“Jiyong’s on the prowl tonight,” Kyungil muses over the table of drinks. “I thought he was talking to that girl, where did this guy come from?”

Soohyuk snorts, taking a sip of his drink.

“They all come out of their weird hiding spots when Jiyong appears. I don’t know how he does it.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun butts in, wanting to remain relevant in the conversation. “One day I caught a girl and a guy coming out of his room.”

The words come out of his mouth all wrong and rather than sounding cheeky, he sounds bitter. Luckily Kyungil continues the conversation about Jiyong’s promiscuity without realising Seunghyun’s slip-up. However, Seunghyun knows he didn’t manage to make it scot-free when he catches Soohyuk’s raised eyebrows.

Later when Kyungil leaves to hit the dance floor, Soohyuk immediately jumps on him.

“How long?”

“Since I was rapping underground.”

Soohyuk’s mouth is wide open. He looks so shocked, Seunghyun nearly snorts.

“ _That_ long?”

He says the words like they’re almost incomprehensible, like he can hardly believe it and Seunghyun just shrugs. It is what it is.

“W-wha-what?” Soohyuk runs a hand through his hair, “I cannot believe it. What?!”

Seunghyun continues to slowly sip at his alcoholic beverage, and doesn’t bother to provide the other a response. He knows it’s been a long time, he has lived through every day of it. He stares out into the sea of people, his eyes catching Jiyong’s lithe figure when Soohyuk speaks.

“You know he’s in love with you right.”

Seunghyun closes his eyes and takes a breath in.

“You do know.”

His eyes are still closed.

“So why aren’t you doing anything about it? You want him, he wants you…”

This is what he has trouble answering. He can’t do anything about him and Jiyong’s _situation_ because he doesn’t want Jiyong to have to put up with his _broken_ body.

Jiyong is the most carnal being he knows. He lives and he breathes his sexuality, and Seunghyun admires him for it. He’s an inspiration and Seunghyun wouldn’t want him to change for the world.

But if he was with Seunghyun, then he’d be limited. He doesn’t want Jiyong to have to deal with him.

While this is the real answer, Seunghyun can’t tell Soohyuk this. He hasn’t told anyone this. So he hums another reason he knows will placate the other.

“If anyone found out, we’d be ruined. As a couple and as a group. I won’t take that risk.”

In reality, that was another worry of his. The few chances he’s allowed himself to think of a future with Jiyong always ended rather unhappily with the thought of the public finding out. It just seems like they weren’t destined to win.

 

They continue to dance around each other, until Seunghyun feels so bad he can’t handle it anymore. Jiyong just acts like he’s waiting for Seunghyun to come to him, like it’s inevitable. It hurts how much he wishes he was able to. He wants to. He wants to fall into Jiyong’s arms and give him a lazy hug. He wants to give him a kiss on the nose, on the cheek, on the mouth.

He wants Jiyong.

It’s not like he doesn’t have any sexual attraction.

There are times where he watches Jiyong in the club, dark eyes and lithe body and suddenly he’s the most horny he has been in his life. He wants to grab him and fuck him against the wall. Seunghyun wants to feel Jiyong’s weight bearing heavily on him. He wants Jiyong’s sweat slicked hands in his hair.

But then it goes away.

Most of the time he just wants to kiss Jiyong and feel his smooth lips. He wants to play with the other’s hair and shower him with gifts. He wants to laugh with him and tell him all the reasons why he loves him.

There are a lot reasons.

Except Seunghyun can’t ever do this so he goes and does something he thought he’d never do again.

He gets a girlfriend.

 

She’s famous too and when Jiyong hears about her, Seunghyun’s heart breaks when he sees the broken smile on his face.

“Congratulations hyung. She’s a real catch.”

Seunghyun doesn’t see him for the rest of the evening. Or the rest of the week.

He eventually gets the call from Soohyuk he’s been waiting for.

“ _What the fuck, dude?”_

Seunghyun yawns into his pillow, blinking his bleary eyes. He stretches his neck and tries to make sense of the digital clock.

“What…”

“ _Are you seriously sleeping? It’s 4 in the afternoon!”_

“Mmm…”

“ _Whatever. How could you do that Jiyong? I thought you guys were going to get together! What happened?”_

Seunghyun lets out a sigh, his brain adjusting to the interrogation. He knew this was coming, he just didn’t know when. Naturally, he didn’t prepare himself for the conversation.

“We’re not meant to be, Soohyuk.” He replies simply, now completely awake.

“ _Who the fuck thinks that? You guys are_ destined _to be!”_

Seunghyun wishes that was so. It would solve a whole lot of problems.

“We’re not, we’re really not.”

“ _Tell that to Jiyong who has been crying in my house for the past two hours!”_

Sitting up suddenly, Seunghyun knocks his head on the back of his frame. He curses before he reaches a hand up to soothe the hurt.

“Is he okay?” He asks through the pain, his left eye closing in response. The thought of Jiyong crying makes him sad, more than sad, but he convinces himself that it’s better this way.

_“No, you fuckhead. You better tell him this is all a joke. What is wrong with you?”_

Seunghyun stops rubbing his head and sighs.

“A lot of things.”

 

His girlfriend reminds him of Yeona and initially he feels weird around her. They say you never forget your first love and he doesn’t. She’s constantly in his thoughts, in the way she took care of him and then cursed his dick for ruining their relationship.

Seunghyun’s new girlfriend however is more mature, and he unwittingly finds himself enjoying his time with her. They go out for lunch and talk about their favourite past-times. He talks about rapping, about being in Big Bang. She talks about acting, the little intricacies and nuances needed to maintain a good act.

They go out on a second date, a third and then a fourth. Things are going perfectly and he likes being around her. She’s funny, she’s nice and she’s definitely pretty. The only thing that she isn’t, is the fact that she’s not Jiyong. And despite Seunghyun’s broken dick, he has no urge to kiss her. With Jiyong, he’s always at the ready to plant one on his little friend. Just looking at Jiyong gives him the urge to kiss his chubby cheeks, his cute button nose, his soft bow-shaped lips. Seunghyun wants to pepper kisses all over Jiyong’s body. He wants to make Jiyong feel good. 

But with his girlfriend, all he wants to do is spend time with her. He wants to make her laugh and make her happy. That’s what’s confusing about his feelings. His stomach feels fuzzy around her, and he definitely likes her, but is it more than just friendship? Seunghyun thinks so. Yet, why doesn’t he want to kiss her?

She’s so patient and thinks he’s such the gentleman for not kissing her after so many dates. Little does she know that it’s hardly anything gentlemanly stopping him from kissing her. His body just doesn’t respond in the way his head wants him to. After the fifth date, he decides to put mind over matter and rushes over to plant a soft kiss on her lips.

Immediately images of Yeona flash through his mind. Memories of soft lips, warm palms and smooth hair inundate his senses. The images morph and suddenly Yeona is gone, replaced by Jiyong. He thinks about Jiyong’s lips under his own, how they would be just as soft as his girlfriend’s, perhaps even softer. How Jiyong’s chipmunk cheeks would be smooth and how his eyelids would flutter shut. He continues to think about these things and when he finally regains normality, he’s still kissing his girlfriend. Seunghyun places a palm on her cheek, and gently removes himself.  

She leaves with a smile on her face while he leaves with a sad feeling in his stomach. No matter what, he cannot stop thinking about Jiyong.

It makes him feel bad because he initially got with her to stop Jiyong from pining over him, to stop him from looking like he was just waiting for Seunghyun to come to him. Everything was done just so Jiyong could be let off easily, but now as a result, Seunghyun is stringing along this girl.

Now he’s just playing with her. Playing with the one girl who he thought he might’ve had feelings for. Even if he did, they were overshadowed by his feelings for Jiyong. It wasn’t fair to keep her with false hope when he had nothing to give in return.

It wasn’t like she could have a relationship with a broken man anyway.

 

The next time Jiyong speaks to him, Seunghyun’s sitting on the couch with his foot resting on the fake leather arm. He’s stuffing his face with vanilla and red bean ice cream, no real clue to what’s going on in the movie he’s watching. The only thing he’s staring at is the lead role, his ex-girlfriend.

“I heard you broke up with her,” Jiyong shuffles a little closer towards him and sits down on the arm of the chair, right next to Seunghyun’s foot.

Seunghyun just shrugs, shovelling another spoon of ice cream in his mouth. He doesn’t know what to say to him.

“Why are you doing this to yourself? Weren’t you the one who broke up with her?” Jiyong asks, staring at the screen, watching her complete a complicated martial arts move.

Sighing, Seunghyun shrugs once again. He can’t tell Jiyong that the only reason he broke up with her was because he couldn’t stop thinking about him when he kissed her. So, in the end, he doesn’t say anything.

Eventually Jiyong leaves but not before patting him gently on the head and telling him that if he wants, he’ll work on some tracks with him. Seunghyun appreciates the sentiment, but he really doesn’t want to be around Jiyong at the moment. All he wants is to finish his ice cream and to stop being sad.

He does finish his ice cream, but he doesn’t stop feeling sad.  

 

It doesn’t take him too long to get over his ex-girlfriend as his feelings for her were new and fresh. Seunghyun stops and thinks about what things could have been if he didn’t have his long-lasting crush turned love for Jiyong. In reality, they probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway with Seunghyun’s broken dick and all. He shakes his head when he realises that he had to force himself to kiss her, and when he did, his mind changed it to Jiyong anyway so did he really kiss her?

Sitting in the Big Bang studio chair later that day, he feels overwhelmingly sad and lonely despite the fact that the rest of his group are chattering aimlessly around him. He watches them through the corner of his eyes. Youngbae’s playing with a little ball, talking to Daesung who's listening intently. Seungri is being loud as usual, and Jiyong sits in his master chair, seemingly trying to ignore the younger but the tiny smile on his face is telling.

Seunghyun wishes he could be like them, wishes he could just suddenly jump into the conversation. He also wishes he was normal like them, able to like people and have relationships just like they do. Out of them all, he envies Seungri the most. The youngest flaunts his lovers without a care in the world. 

Seunghyun wishes he could have _one_ relationship like him. But he can’t.

It’s not because he has a crush on Jiyong. Seunghyun would love to be in a relationship with Jiyong, he would do anything for it. If only he was normal. If only he wasn’t _broken_.  

Whatever, he can’t do anything about it. So, he tries to focus on the people around him and he turns towards Daesung, hugging the younger boy’s shoulder. Daesung gives him a big eye-smile and just the sight makes Seunghyun feel a little better.

He has his friends.

 

Turns out he’s the last to know about Jiyong’s new girlfriend.

“Kiko? Our friend from Japan?” Seunghyun asks quizzically, staring at Youngbae. “How do they even speak to each other?”

Youngbae finishes his round of push-ups before he lies on the ground to answer. “A mix of languages? I don’t really know.”

The other doesn’t say much after that, a private person at the best of times. Resting his head against the gym rack, Seunghyun tries to remember the little things he knows about Kiko.

He can’t imagine Jiyong and her being together, always thinking that the other would settle down with a man. He’s seen Jiyong with girls before, but they were always one-nighters, nothing serious and hardly as frequent as the male visitors. In Seunghyun’s mind, he had always pictured an older male looking after Jiyong. Basically himself. He always pictured himself with Jiyong.

Later that day, Seunghyun hunts Jiyong down, but when he finds him sitting behind the recording computer, he suddenly realises he doesn’t have anything to say.

“Hi hyung, what’s up?” Jiyong says distractedly. He’s fiddling with one of the songs they’ve recorded, not paying much attention to the outer world.

“I…” Seunghyun opens his mouth to speak, but no words come to mind. “I… you…”

Jiyong swivels his chair around, finally dislodging himself from the computer. He raises an eyebrow at Seunghyun, waiting patiently for him to continue.

“You’re with Kiko,” Seunghyun says finally when the awkward silence becomes too painful to bear.

Closing his mouth, Jiyong gives him a slow nod. He clasps his hands together and the silence lingers once more.

“Um, well, I hope—you—” Seunghyun stumbles over his words. “Congratulations.”

Jiyong gives him a smile, his eyes softening.

“Thanks, hyung.”

He feels a little dumb when he leaves the room and he hangs his head in shame. He wishes he could’ve been more happy for his dongsaeng, but he really can’t. When he sees Jiyong, the only things he thinks about is hugging him and kissing him. Making him feel wonderful and happy. He wants to preserve the precious little smile on Jiyong’s face. He wants to be the reason for that smile.

But he can’t. Not until he does something about his broken dick.

 

He types, _dick doesn’t get hard_ into Google and finds a variety of responses. After a little bit of searching, Seunghyun finds some articles that talk about erectile dysfunction and he carefully reads the words on the screen. He finds himself relating to a lot of the symptoms, from being unable to develop or maintain erections, to decreased sexual arousal.

Seunghyun looks at all of the medication he can find with a good feeling in his chest. He might finally be fixed, his broken dick no more. He won’t have to worry about his dick being the cause of all his failed relationships. Not assuming he’ll have many of course, but all the same.

However, before buying any of the medication, he makes a doctors’ appointment through his manager to make sure he buys the correct type. The number of meds on the market was insane, and Seunghyun really only knew about Viagra.

The doctor he meets the next day is kind and Seunghyun finds it easy to tell him about the issues that have plagued him since childhood. He talks about not really ever feeling the urge to have sex, although he has had urges before. He tells him about his want to still kiss people and make them feel good. Seunghyun even adds how he can’t wait for his broken dick to get better.

The doctor’s eyes soften when he says the last few words before he claps his hands together.

“Have you ever gotten hard during the night? Have you ever had a ‘wet dream’?”

Seunghyun’s eyebrows furrow when he tries to think back to when he was younger.

“Yeah, I have. A few times, but not since I was younger.”

The doctor types this into his computer and asks another question. “Have you ever masturbated before?”

“I’ve tried, but I’ve never been able to keep it up.”

“Do you only masturbate to porn?”

Seunghyun’s cheeks heat up at this question. Knowing that the doctor is only asking for the sake of helping him, he answers.

“Yeah, I’ve never tried without porn.”

The doctor hums, typing this in the computer.

“When you masturbate, do you imagine yourself as the person in the video? Having sex?”

“I… I think so? Yeah, I do.” Seunghyun nods, thinking back to the times he’s tried.

The doctor types some more into the computer before he eventually turns and faces Seunghyun. He reaches a hand out on the table while Seunghyun sits still and waits.

“I know you think you may have ED, and we can do a hormone imbalance test to see how you’re going but I would like to ask, what do you know about asexuality?”

Seunghyun’s mouth opens and he starts to answer before he stops himself. Was asexuality the stuff he learnt in biology? Something about reproduction? Isn’t it the process of organisms splitting themselves in half?

“Uh, not much,” he decides to say, wringing his hands together.

“Well, when we talk about people and their inability to get erections, there are roughly two main reasons…”

The doctor goes on to talk about the biogenic and psychogenic causes and how there’s a difference between physical inability and psychological reasons. He explains asexuality and how there’s a chance that Seunghyun might be either asexual or on the spectrum of asexuality. The fact that Seunghyun has gotten erections before, has ejaculated even if it happened during the night, highlights that there isn’t some actual physical inability. A low sexual drive, no real sexual attraction may actually be signs of asexuality.

Seunghyun leaves the centre feeling tired and winded. His arm is sore from the blood he gave, feeling a lot heavier than usual. The fact that his problem may not be something easily fixed with medication makes him worried. He really hopes that’s not the case. He’d be incurable then.

He does more research on the topic of asexuality, and gray-asexuality, finding himself fitting easily within the boxes. There are times when his dick has gotten hard, when he’s gotten horny, but he doesn’t find himself wanting to fuck anyone. And there are also times where his sex drive suddenly appears out of nowhere and he does he want Jiyong. The times where he wants to hold him against the wall, bite his neck and plunge inside of him.

But most of the time, he just wants to cuddle Jiyong.

 

When he gets the letter from the doctor saying that there isn’t anything wrong with him, he walks up to Jiyong’s shared room, knocks on the door and immediately sits on the bed.

“Hyung?” Jiyong turns from his chair to face him. His smile immediately drops when he sees the expression on Seunghyun’s face. “What’s wrong, hyung?”

 _Everything_ , Seunghyun wants to reply with. He thought he could finally be fixed. There was a spark of hope in him since he read about ED on the internet, since he booked the doctors’ appointment. Even when Seunghyun looked up more about asexuality and found some telling similarities with his own experiences, he still held onto the tiniest hope that he could be cured to like sex and become like every other man.

But Seunghyun can’t tell Jiyong that, especially when the other is still in a relationship with Kiko. Seunghyun has no right to just suddenly barge in and tell the other he loves him. It’s unnecessary and it won’t help anyone. However, there is one thing he can tell, or more, ask him.

“Can I have a hug?”

Jiyong complies immediately, getting off his seat and moving to sit next to Seunghyun on the bed. He looks like he wants to ask what’s wrong, but thankfully he just obliges, wrapping his arms around Seunghyun’s larger figure. Seunghyun rests his head on Jiyong’s, closing his eyes.

He imagines that it would be like this if they were together. He can imagine days of them laying with each other in bed, Jiyong’s tiny arms around him, holding him tight. Seunghyun can imagine other days where he’s the one protecting Jiyong in his grasp, nestling the younger man’s head on his chest.

Jiyong’s arms are small and they nearly don’t fit all the way around him, but Seunghyun loves it anyway. Knowing he is in no position to actually do this on the regular, he commits this one time to memory. There’s no way he’s forgetting this.

 

Life seems to progress somewhat normally after that. He’s still Seunghyun and although he feels as though he doesn’t fit in a lot of the time, he still needs to try. He still loves Jiyong, he still sometimes wants to fuck Jiyong, and he still always wants to kiss Jiyong.

Jiyong and Kiko break-up, and Seunghyun is immediately there as the shoulder to cry on. Surprisingly, Jiyong doesn’t cry. He seems a little sad and a little nostalgic, but nothing to really write home about.

When Jiyong’s scandal hits, that’s when Seunghyun is really needed. He tries to console the other by acting goofy and writing silly raps. Seunghyun forces him to watch a few movies with him, and manages to cheer the other up a little when he badly dubs over their voices with his own handwritten script. When Jiyong joins in with a few lines of his own, Seunghyun smiles at how cute his best friend is.

Seunghyun buys him a lot of jewellery and gives it as surprise presents when the other comes back home. That makes Jiyong smile.

Seunghyun even cooks him dinner one time, which surprisingly turns out okay. That makes Jiyong smile too.

They spend a lot of time in the studio making music. Out of everything Seunghyun has done to make Jiyong feel better, it is this that truly lights Jiyong up. The two of them work so well together, Seunghyun says that they’re like almond and chocolate.

“I like that. Put that in the song,” Jiyong says, flipping his beanie around his finger.

Soon they’ve made a whole album worth of songs, but they don’t manage to fit in the classic Big Bang mould. When the CEO tells them to make a sub-group, nothing can stop the huge smile from making its way on Seunghyun’s face. What’s better than performing with Jiyong onstage? Performing with _only_ Jiyong onstage.

Seunghyun can’t help but be excited, everything is going to be dedicated to their subgroup. He’s going to do everything with just Jiyong by his side.

 

GD&TOP turn out to be a huge success.

It’s everything that Seunghyun imagined it would be and more. The two of them are together _all the time_. They eat breakfast together, they promote during the day and then they get drunk at night. However, that’s not to say that they don’t do any work, because they do a _lot_ of work. A whole lot of energy gets put into this album, which Seunghyun can safely say is an album built from love.

It’s a hectic couple of months as is anything with Jiyong really. They go up against Seungri’s album and as much as Seunghyun says he would like it if the hyungs won instead, he’s equally proud of his young dongsaeng. Really, he’s just happy he’s been able to make an album with Jiyong.

However, like all good things, time passes by way too quickly and before Seunghyun knows it, he’s promoting with Big Bang again. Promoting with the four of them isn’t a bad thing. Seunghyun loves Big Bang and all the work they have all put into it as a group. But, things are just a little different, a little better when he’s just with Jiyong. The younger’s attention is always focused on him, for good or bad, and Seunghyun thrives off it.

 

One night after their successful Japan concert, they get really drunk. Plastered. By the time Seunghyun kinda gets in control of what he’s saying and doing, he’s sucking a huge hickey in the crease of Jiyong’s neck and shoulder.

He looks around and notices they’re in some kind of love hotel, and Seunghyun wonders how they even got there. What happened?

“Hyung?” Jiyong’s short breaths are loud in the silent room.

Seunghyun brings his attention back to Jiyong who is looking entirely ravished. His clothes are half ripped off his body, buttoned-down shirt now fully open. There are a bunch of red marks on his neck and shoulders, all the way down to his two hard nipples. His lips are red and flushed, shining prettily under the moonlight.

He looks so confused at why Seunghyun stopped, and there’s nothing more that Seunghyun wants than to continue but…

“What happened?” He asks, looking down at his own attire. Only the top two of his buttons are open, the rest of his clothes still firmly in place.

Jiyong’s mouth opens slightly, “I… Hyung… we…”

Seunghyun sits on the bed, still feeling the swirling influences of alcohol. He takes one more look at Jiyong and he feels the rush of horniness once again. When he moves his leg, he can feel the swell of his cock rub against the fabric of his pants. He’s hard.

He wants Jiyong. He really wants Jiyong tonight.

“We can’t Jiyong.” Seunghyun says, looking away from the other. He doesn’t want to see the look of despair on the younger man’s face.

He briefly notes Jiyong buttoning up his shirt, before the other sits next to him. Seunghyun glances slightly at Jiyong, noticing the confused and heartbroken look on his face.

“Why not?” Jiyong argues. “I know you want me, hyung. The way you’ve been acting for... You want me right?”

Seunghyun closes his eyes. He does. He really wants Jiyong. He wants to be able to hold him and call him his.

“I do,” Seunghyun replies, helplessly.

“Then what?” Jiyong breathes the words out like he didn’t expect Seunghyun to affirm his feelings.

Jiyong is staring at him, looking both entirely scared yet at the same time, firm. He has his strong leader persona on, but Seunghyun knows there’s just Jiyong underneath. He knows that most of the ferocity is just a façade.

As much as Seunghyun wants to make things better, there’s nothing he can say. He knows that Jiyong likes him, it’s obvious. If the fans can pick out the specific nuances in Jiyong’s behaviour that are just for Seunghyun and Seunghyun only, then he can definitely spot them too. He’s not dense, he’s known Jiyong for _years_. He’s been fixated on Jiyong for years, of course he’d be able to tell.

Jiyong’s the kind of person that tries to make everything work even if most of the time it’s not possible. He tries his hardest and that’s what Seunghyun respects about him. However, if Seunghyun tells him about his _problem_ , his _inability_ , he knows that Jiyong will want to try a relationship regardless.

Seunghyun adores his selfless and kind attitude. He knows that Jiyong will try, and try his hardest to maintain a relationship doomed to fail.

Jiyong is a creature made from the ground up, an amalgamation of coy looks, sensuality and pixie dust. Seunghyun knows this, he’s been telling himself this for years. He won’t do this Jiyong, he won’t force him into a sexless relationship when he knows how important it is for the other. He can’t do this to Jiyong.

“Think about Big Bang,” Seunghyun frowns, annoyed that he has to constantly use issues that don’t matter to him as much as he knows they should. “If anyone found out…”

“We can keep it a secret, hyung,” Jiyong states, wide-eyed. He’s holding onto the sheets with an extremely young and boyish look on his face.  

“For how long?” Seunghyun returns immediately, turning his face to meet the other. Jiyong is only centimetres apart causing Seunghyun to take in a deep breath.

Short blonde hair covers sad looking eyes and Seunghyun desperately wishes to touch his cheek, to touch his face, to tell him that he loves him. Anything to make him feel better. Jiyong is the light in his world, the one person who makes him feel like he’s normal.

“We can, hyung…” Jiyong says softly, the words coming out a mere breath. Jiyong’s dark brown eyes flicker between Seunghyun’s eyes and lips. Seunghyun knows what’s coming, he knows Jiyong is going to kiss him. And despite knowing he should stop what’s coming, he can’t help himself but lean in.

Their lips connect softly and it’s all Seunghyun has ever dreamed of. The few experiences he’s had is nothing compared to this, and he knows that it’s all because of Jiyong. The other instantly slithers a hand up Seunghyun’s arm to attach themselves to the hair on his head causing Seunghyun to gasp.

Jiyong is staring at him with so much love in his eyes, Seunghyun throws caution to the wind. He kisses him deep, hard with all the love and passion he’s been harbouring for years. Jiyong makes a little noise in the back of his throat, a whine mixed with a groan and Seunghyun chases it down. He wants to hear it again, he thinks, and he brings his palms to the other’s hips, massaging him slowly.

Making Jiyong feel good is all he’s ever wanted to do, all he’s ever dreamed of doing. As much as Seunghyun knows how inexperienced he is with all things sexual, he thinks he’s doing a pretty good job when the other paws him thoroughly, moaning for all he’s worth. It’s such a sexual and forbidden sight from a hypnotic being like Jiyong that once again Seunghyun feels tiny threads of lust pool in the pit of his stomach. It’s different now that he’s more sober, and as Jiyong stretches his lithe body in front of him, Seunghyun can’t help himself but touch.

The younger man preens under his fingers, appreciating all that Seunghyun is giving him. He lets out a breathy moan when Seunghyun trails his digits over his waist and chest, stopping at his nipples and giving them an experimental tug. The deep gasp Seunghyun gets in response fuels him to continue further, to step up the experimentation and he moves to crouch over the younger man’s body.

Seunghyun raises his head closer towards the other, his lips reattaching themselves to the younger man’s jaw, sucking gently on the lower part of his mandible. Expressing himself freely and without hesitation, Jiyong grips Seunghyun’s dress shirt tightly, responding with ferocity. It fills Seunghyun with pleasure that he’s able to do this, to make Jiyong feel like this, that he’s eager to continue.

He trails his nose down Jiyong’s bitten neck, pressing soft pecks onto the fading red marks. He kisses further down, his nose reaching the muscle of Jiyong’s pec before he slips his tongue out, licking a long stretch across the nipple.

Jiyong’s knees buckle out, falling towards the sheet of the bed in haste. Seunghyun watches the action with intrigued eyes, moving towards Jiyong’s other nipple, eager to garner a similar response. He receives his wish when Jiyong’s body crumples in slightly, his face contorting in pleasure.

Seunghyun spends the next few minutes teasing the other like this, eagerly finding all the places on Jiyong’s torso that cause him to react in turn. It makes Seunghyun feel powerful that he can do this to Jiyong, that he can elicit these strong reactions.

He gives the other a few seconds to catch his breath, laying gently at his side, nuzzling his nose into a milky neck. Seunghyun doesn’t want to think about how easily he was seduced, a mere glance at his lips and he was sold. It’s telling how much he wanted this, how much his body wanted this, easily rebelling against his thoughts.

Deep in his thoughts, Seunghyun hardly notices the hand poised to touch his crotch and when he feels the first hint of fingers he quickly reaches out to grab at Jiyong’s wrist.

The other jumps immediately, not expecting Seunghyun’s reaction.

Seunghyun loosens his grip, brushing his fingers against Jiyong’s head, watching the other’s eyes flutter slightly under the movement.

“Hyung?” Jiyong asks quizzically, unsure.

Seunghyun continues to brush at his face, an apology for reacting so suddenly. He rubs at the other’s smooth cheeks, eyes on Jiyong’s now still expression. Continuing his motions, Seunghyun thinks of how to answer the other. He knows Jiyong probably felt his soft dick, and he wants to make sure that the other doesn’t feel he’s anything but perfect.

Except, he doesn’t exactly know how. He can’t run now, he realises, already past the point of no return.

“I just want to make you feel good,” Seunghyun says truthfully. He’s still gently brushing Jiyong’s cheeks, unable to stop himself.

Jiyong takes a few seconds to calm himself, peering gently under his soft eyelashes to look at his hyung. A wild temptress in Seunghyun’s eyes.

“I want to make you feel good, too.” Jiyong lets his tongue dab at his lower lip, turning his face to the side and licking a stripe up Seunghyun’s finger.

Finger still wet, Seunghyun grabs the other’s cheek in his hand before he leans forward to press his lips firmly against Jiyong’s. Moaning deeply, Jiyong moves his hands down once again, causing Seunghyun to lean back.

“Hyung…” the younger whines, “Please.”

Seunghyun sighs softly, meeting Jiyong’s pleading eyes. “Let me take care of you, okay?”

Jiyong licks his wet lips, raising his body to meet Seunghyun’s. Eyes sparkling, he rests a hand on the older man’s broad chest.

“You’ve taken care of me a lot, now I want to return the favour.”

Seunghyun reaches over to gently touch the hand palming his chest, linking his fingers with Jiyong.

“You don’t need to feel like you have to.”

With a lascivious grin, Jiyong moves to sit on his knees, stretching his half naked body. His eyes are smouldering, brows furrowed seductively, and he leans over to whisper in Seunghyun’s ear.

“I want to.”

Jiyong is being unbelievably sexy and Seunghyun wishes he could let the other do what he plans to do, but unfortunately right now his body is not in tune with his head. He can wish all he likes, but he’s not in the mood. Unfortunately he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to tell Jiyong this without offending him.

The other turns out to be more perceptive than Seunghyun realises, reaching a hand over to touch Seunghyun’s palm.

“What’s wrong?” Jiyong asks, eyebrows furrowing. It’s such a stark change in character that Seunghyun finds incredibly endearing. His Jiyong is always so courteous.

Seunghyun presses his lips against Jiyong’s cheek. “I want just want to make you feel good, okay?”

The other’s eyebrows are still furrowed together in confusion.

“Okay, but why?”

Seunghyun cocks his head to the side, grabbing Jiyong’s hands. He plays with the other’s limbs, moving them from side to side, wanting to steal his attention away.

There’s an urge within him to tell the truth, to explain what he is and what he has to deal with. He wants to tell Jiyong how much he loves him and how much he wants the other to feel good. He wants to explain how he’s never really felt sexual urges like the other boys, how he’s broken. But Seunghyun know this is just the result of the alcohol he’s consumed. Despite all that has occurred, he can still feel the effects numbing his body, swirling heavily through his system. He’s sobered a little, but not enough apparently when he goes and blurts it all out.

“I’m asexual.”

Seunghyun’s mouth closes shut when he realises he’s said it out loud. His instincts are telling him to deny the words, to pretend that he was instead only joking, in the same way he tends to trivialise many of his issues.

There’s a brief period of silence between them, Seunghyun’s eyes locked stiffly on the bedding. He doesn’t dare to look up at Jiyong and tries his hand at making a joke.

“It means something besides organisms splitting, believe it or not…”

When he eventually does look at the other, Jiyong is wide-eyed, shocked. He stays like that for a few moments until Seunghyun smiles warily at him. Jiyong blinks then, like he’s suddenly remembering how to work his motor skills. His mouth opens and closes, failing to formulate a sentence.

“What…?” Is the only thing he manages to get out. Seunghyun doesn’t blame him, he’s sure this is a surprise.  

“Not exactly asexual. Grey asexuality, low sex drive, no real arousal.” Seunghyun ticks the syndromic list off in his head. “I’ve been like this my whole life.”

Jiyong is staring at him with new eyes, fresh, like this is the first time he’s seeing Seunghyun. Which, Seunghyun guesses is kind of true. This is the first time he’s been completely honest with Jiyong, with anybody really. It’s more than a big deal to him.

“You’re not joking,” Jiyong states, his gaze piercing. He looks especially serious, wanting to make sure that this is not one of Seunghyun’s distasteful jokes.

Slightly offended that Jiyong thinks he would make a joke about his sexuality in the middle of a serious conversation, Seunghyun shakes his head without a smile on his face. The other seems to take him at face value, nodding his head slowly.

Jiyong lets out a loud sigh and runs a hand through his hair. He looks deeply frazzled like this is something he never expected and Seunghyun feels guilty for having thrust this upon him. Maybe he shouldn’t have told him…

“I’m sorry,” Seunghyun apologises suddenly, hanging his head down in shame. “I wish I wasn’t either and I thought I could get it fixed like maybe there was just something wrong with my blood or something, but I went to the doctor and he said—”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jiyong interrupts, his eyebrows furrowing once again. “Why are you apologising?”

Seunghyun opens his mouth to say that there are many reasons why he’s apologising. Instead of following the obvious route, he continues the train of thought he’s maintained his entire life.

“Because I’m broken.”

He says the words simply.

When he looks back up towards Jiyong, the other has a firm expression on his face.

“Seunghyun, do you honestly believe you’re broken?”

Seunghyun is ready to respond immediately with a _yes_. What else is he if he isn’t broken? But the way Jiyong is looking at him causes him to rethink his situation. If he asks himself the question, does he think he’s broken? Well, yes. He’s been broken his whole life, he’s an anomaly. What is he as a man if he can’t appreciate sex? Isn’t that what men are supposed to idolise?

“Yes,” he answers a little while later.

The subsequent pitying gaze that Jiyong gives him is demoralising. Jiyong is staring at him like he’s a kid, like he’s yet to understand the full details. Which is stupid, because Seunghyun is the only one that knows the full circumstances. This is his life he’s living, no one else’s.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Seunghyun says somewhat pathetically, his eyebrows knitting together. “Don’t look at me like I’m missing things.”

Jiyong’s gaze softens at that, and he moves closer to touch Seunghyun’s shoulder. He rubs the appendage slowly and speaks with a soothing tone.

“Why do you think you’re broken, hyung?”

A number of reasons fall from his lips.

“Because I don’t like sex, everyone likes sex. I can’t even get hard to porn. I really only get hard to you and even then I don’t want sex all the time.” Seunghyun rushes the words, frustration brewing. “Because no one else is like me and that’s already telling. Because I want to be with you but I don’t want to force you into a relationship without sex. If only I wasn’t broken then I… you…”

“Hyung,” Jiyong’s grip on Seunghyun’s shoulder tightens. “Who said we can’t be together regardless.”

Seunghyun pulls his arm away, “See. I expected you to say that.”

“What?” Jiyong puffs out a laugh, “You expected me to ask why we can’t be together? What’s wrong with that?”

Seunghyun wants to roll his eyes. His Jiyong is as polite and as courteous as ever.

“I don’t want you to be stuck with me. Broken Seunghyun.”

He doesn’t like having to reiterate the same line over and over again, an unnecessary pity party. He’ll continue to feel sorry for himself in his head, and whine endlessly in a space where no one can hear him but he won’t subject Jiyong to that.

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” Seunghyun says, turning his gaze away. He looks across the room, staring at the window, eager to drive his gaze away from his quiet companion.

Eventually Jiyong moves his hands to Seunghyun’s face, palms flat against the older man’s cheeks. He forces Seunghyun’s gaze back to him, the expression on his face calm yet firm.

“Seunghyun,” he says his name strongly, a no-nonsense tone. “I want you to listen to me.”

Jiyong says the words slowly, enunciating each syllable, drilling the information in.

“You are not broken.”

When Seunghyun looks like he’s ready to interrupt, Jiyong shakes his head briskly.

“No, listen to me. You are not broken. You may be different, yes, but that’s not a bad thing.” Jiyong says surely, staring straight into Seunghyun’s dark brown eyes. His palms are still holding Seunghyun’s cheeks and he’s kneeling directly in front of him. “You are different. Special. Your sexuality doesn’t change you as a person, and as a person, you are wonderful. Amazing. You’re everything I’ve wanted since I was a child.”

Jiyong chews on his lower lip for a few seconds before he continues.

“I’m bisexual, it doesn’t change me as a person. I’m still Jiyong no matter my sexuality. And you Seunghyun are still Seunghyun. Big, goofy, bingu Seunghyun. _My_ Seunghyun.”

He emphasises the last sentence.

“You’re mine okay? This doesn’t change a thing, if anything this makes you special not broken. I love you.”  

The words hit Seunghyun all at once, and in a variety of places. He feels a sharp sting in the back of his eyes and knows that tears are soon to follow. He knew that Jiyong had feelings for him, he’s known that for years, but to this magnitude? He loves him so much so that he’d want Seunghyun no matter what?

A tear drips down his cheek but is quickly wiped away by one of Jiyong’s thumbs. The other is still staring at him with a fond look on his face.

His chest continues to hurt, the wounds he has had since he was a kid opening up. He’s been fixated on this broken part of him for the better part of his life, the idea that someone can love him regardless is overwhelming. The idea that Jiyong, the love of _his_ life, is the one loving him is what makes it unbelievable.

But that’s not what Jiyong’s saying. He’s saying that Seunghyun deserves this love just like anyone else. Just because he’s different doesn’t mean he’s broken. Is that true, he wonders.

“Do you mean what you say?” Seunghyun asks, releasing a sob. A few more tears stream down his face. He clenches his fist together, wanting to hide his cries from the other. He’s the one that’s supposed to be taking care of Jiyong, not the other way around.

Instead of letting him shy away, Jiyong continues to hold him close. He rubs Seunghyun’s cheeks and presses the softest kiss on Seunghyun’s forehead.

“Of course.”

“Am I really not broken?”

“Seunghyun…” Jiyong looks sad that Seunghyun thinks this way. “No.”

He says the word so firmly, Seunghyun cannot help but sigh a little morosely.

“And I’m going to convince you too.”  

 Jiyong trails his hands down to reach Seunghyun’s and grips them tightly. Seunghyun wears a shaky smile, still mostly unsure. The other looks so positive, like he’s speaking nothing but the truth.

Seunghyun wants to believe Jiyong. He wants it from the bottom of his heart, understanding the difference it would make in his life. He has wondered how his life would’ve been if he was normal. If what Jiyong is saying is true, then he wouldn’t need to wonder anymore. He’s not abnormal, nor is he unnatural. He’s different. Special.

“Please do.”

 

They fall asleep a little while later with Jiyong spooning him gently from behind. When Seunghyun wakes up in the morning, he finds out he has turned during the night and is now facing the calm, snoozing Jiyong. He gives himself time to observe the other now that sunlight is flittering in through the window. Jiyong has a specific type of grace around him, something soft and delicate.

Seunghyun can’t help but admire the smooth plains of the younger man’s face. He stares almost reverently at the sight of the ethereal beauty in front of him, from his long eye-lashes, his cute button nose to his gentle bow-shaped lips. He’s the epitome of perfection in Seunghyun’s eyes, all things beautiful and majestic.

The fact that he has a heart made of gold, is what tips him over the edge of perfection. Seunghyun remembers a lot of what he said the night before, despite the amount he had to drink. And, he remembers what Jiyong said. It overwhelms him that Jiyong seems to honestly think that he’s okay. That’s he’s normal.

Seunghyun shifts a little, moving his leg out and accidentally poking the other in the foot. He freezes for a few seconds when Jiyong moans softly, his eyes fluttering before they inevitably open.

Jiyong takes a few more seconds to fully wake up, before his eyes land on Seunghyun. The older man has no idea how to react, so he instead continues to lie still and wait for Jiyong to make the first move. Jiyong’s sleepy face contorts into a smile and he moves a hand from under the sheets to touch at Seunghyun’s face.

“You’re still here…” Jiyong muses tiredly, his voice hoarse. He trails his pointer finger across Seunghyun’s jaw.

Seunghyun reaches a hand out to stop the other from pulling his own hand back, holding the finger against his face.

“I nearly left to go and vomit in the toilet,” Seunghyun jokes.

Jiyong giggles tiredly.

“You drank so much last night.”

Seunghyun shrugs, he’s always been a heavy drinker.

“Do you remember what you told me?” Jiyong asks, finally pulling his hand away from Seunghyun’s grasp. His eyes look a little more alert, adjusting to the room lighting.

Seunghyun thinks it’s hardly the right time to talk about this, the other only waking up a few moments ago, but still gives a brisk nod.

“I don’t think I’ve convinced you yet,” Jiyong states, staring at Seunghyun’s face.

The older man wonders how the other has managed to deduce that conclusion. What is it about his face that gives the other that impression? 

“Well, that’s okay. We’ll make some progress. We have all the time in the world,” Jiyong yawns and he reaches an arm out to stretch his muscles. He turns to the side and Seunghyun glances interestedly at the revealed skin.

“We’re going back to Korea tomorrow,” Seunghyun reminds him, because that is hardly enough time at all. He knows when they go back, he won’t be able to see Jiyong as much. That’s kind of why he likes these Japan trips. He sees Jiyong all the time, just like how he used to when they were promoting as a sub-unit.

Jiyong turns to face him with a mischievous grin on his face.

“Yeah, and now that you’re my boyfriend I will just have to find time to see you.”

Seunghyun laughs at that, his mouth opening in surprise. Jiyong’s grin turns cute and he lets out a trill of giggles beside him.

Staring fondly, Seunghyun bops the other on his nose with the tip of his finger. Jiyong just continues to smile cutely under him, his eyes creasing in happiness.

It’s just like Jiyong to take control and suddenly proclaim that Seunghyun is his boyfriend. Dazed by the sudden profession, Seunghyun smiles and accepts it.

Anyway, it’s what he’s always wanted.

 

They go back to Korea and things are good. Really good. Jiyong visits him all the time, bringing gifts and showering him with love. Seunghyun honestly doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve such treatment but accepts it all with eager arms. They joke together, watch movies together, eat together, sleep together.

Seunghyun loves every moment of it.

Except for one thing.

“Why don’t you ever kiss me?” Seunghyun asks one day in May.

The two of them are sitting on the couch with Jiyong’s head in Seunghyun’s lap. The older man is playing with Jiyong’s hair like a child, messing up the other’s soft locks. Jiyong turns his head to face him, his eyebrows raised.

It’s not like they don’t kiss, because they do. Seunghyun often feels the urge to pepper kisses all over his boyfriend’s face, from his forehead to his eyelids to his lips. They kiss often. But Seunghyun always initiates it.

“Well…”

Seunghyun knows the look on Jiyong’s face, and knits his eyebrows together when the other tries to palm off some lame excuse.

“Wait…” Seunghyun says, hands stopping their movement through Jiyong’s hair. “It’s because you think I don’t like it, right?”

The guilty look that Seunghyun gets in return is more than telling, and he gently helps Jiyong to sit up properly. It’s only then does Seunghyun realise that he hasn’t really explained the intricacies about his weird sexuality, and he almost clubs himself over in shame.

“I love kissing you Jiyong,” Seunghyun assures quickly, “It’s my most favourite thing to do.”

He thinks about how much he lives for making Jiyong feel happy and tries to put that feeling into words.

“My sex… mood is a little weird. I’m always up for kisses, though, please don’t get me wrong on that.” Seunghyun continues. He reaches his hands together and clasps them tightly. “In terms of sexual stuff, I do get aroused and I do get hard. So it’s not like I’m impotent or anything.”

Seunghyun lets out an awkward laugh, scratching the back of his head.

“We’ve been together for a few weeks now and I just want you to know that if you ever feel horny, please tell me, there’s nothing more I want than to make you feel good. I may not necessarily feel arousal in return but that’s just my body, I love making you feel good, Jiyong. It’s all I want.”

Seunghyun tries to stress these words, he tries to get it out so that Jiyong truly understands what he feels for him and what he always feels for him.

“I don’t feel weird about sex, so even if you just want to jerk off next to me, be my guest. I’ll probably stare a little though, can’t help myself.” Seunghyun chuckles. “And then sometimes I will probably feel like sex, and I’ll make sure to tell you okay? But you’ll have to guide me, I don’t really know what to do…”

Jiyong moves his body from the other side of the couch, and climbs up Seunghyun’s body making his way to sit in the older man’s lap. He leans in and plants a kiss on Seunghyun’s lips, a wide and fond smile on his face.

“Thank you for telling me, I can imagine that probably felt awkward.”

Shaking his head, Seunghyun kisses Jiyong back.

“I feel bad for not telling you before.”

Wrapping his arms around Seunghyun’s neck, Jiyong shakes his head.

“No, no. Don’t feel bad. At least now I know you don’t mind if I masturbate.”

Seunghyun’s eyes went wide, “No definitely not. I do not mind at all. Please do it when I’m there as well, for scientific reasons of course.”

Jiyong laughs loudly and Seunghyun hugs his torso fondly.

“Of course.”

 

The first time they have sex, it’s a little awkward.

Seunghyun spends most of the time praying and hoping that he doesn't lose his erection, paying hardly enough attention on the sexy Jiyong lain before him.

Jiyong takes him gently in his hands and Seunghyun shivers at the feeling. Seunghyun prepares the other quickly and efficiently, having learnt how to pleasure the other man well. He’s had experience over the past few weeks exploring the other man’s body, learning a great deal about Jiyong in the meantime.

When he pushes himself in it’s so tight Seunghyun feels like his dick might fall off. Eventually, when he gets the motors running, it’s good. Really good. It gets even better when Jiyong changes positions and starts kissing him through it. The kisses are what gets Seunghyun off.

The next time they have sex, it’s less awkward. Seunghyun isn’t worrying about losing his erection this time and he gently eases himself into the position, no rush. This time it’s about coming together, about their love. He doesn’t need to worry about embarrassing himself because he’s with Jiyong. He’s with the one person who loves him and cares for him, and they tumble over the sheets slowly, languidly, almost without a care in the world.

Seunghyun kisses him deeply and Jiyong shows him the magical things he can do with his tongue. Seunghyun nearly gets off two times that night.

It’s not often that Seunghyun wants sex, so most of the time he shows Jiyong how much he loves him. He asks his manager to buy him sex toys to experiment with, and whenever Jiyong sees him reading the manuals on the boxes, he laughs.

“Hyung,” Jiyong giggles bashfully, hitting Seunghyun on the chest. “You are the kinkiest motherfucker I know.”

Seunghyun takes it all in stride.

 

One day when the five of them are out for brunch, Youngbae finally catches on.

“What’s going on between you two?” He quizzes, crossing his eyebrows.

Oops, Seunghyun thinks, a little cheekish. Jiyong is in the middle of answering, a mere denial like all the other simple lies they’ve told. But Seunghyun quickly interrupts him by moving his head over and biting the piece of bread Jiyong's holding out of his hand. Jiyong is in shock for a few seconds and Seunghyun takes this time to replace the loss of bread with his own fingers.

The others have to find out some time, Seunghyun reasons.

“Hyung!” Jiyong shoots him a surprised glance. Seunghyun shrugs back at him with a small silly smile on his face. This look causes Jiyong to calm and hold onto Seunghyun’s fingers more firmly.

“No way,” Seungri nearly shrieks, causing Youngbae to shush him with a whack on his head. “Don’t tell me you two are together.”

“Merry Christmas?” Seunghyun teases as the other hits the table with his palm.

“I thought Soohyuk-hyung was lying!” Seungri splutters, almost knocking over his soup in surprise.

“Aish,” Youngbae rolls his eyes at the youngest dongsaeng before looking towards them. “Congrats, then.”

“Thank you,” Jiyong beams. He gives Seunghyun a mega watt smile and Seunghyun bumps their heads together.

 

Things go well until Daesung has the accident and Jiyong’s marijuana scandal hits. 

Suddenly things turn upside down, and Seunghyun swears to be by his boyfriend’s side. It’s just a little bit of weed, Seunghyun has no idea why it’s such a big deal. And that’s what he tells Jiyong repeatedly, that it’s okay, that there’s nothing to worry about. But Seunghyun has grown up in this country, he knows what it means. It means a ruined career, and if Jiyong’s other scandal told him anything, it means vicious commentary.

Jiyong is on edge for months, constantly walking on eggshells. They’re not sure when the news will hit, but when it does Seunghyun promises to kiss him and hug him and be there for him. The other man has been his saviour, it’s only fair to return that sentiment.

When the scandal reaches the public, Seunghyun takes it into his own hands to switch off Jiyong’s phone, to turn off his laptop and to make dinner that night. He carefully chooses wine for the occasion and a light comedy flick. Jiyong looks a little worse for wear, but still smiles when he sees the hard work Seunghyun has put into the night.

Feeding the other, Seunghyun places kisses just about everywhere he can see and eventually Jiyong’s smile lightens up a little more.

“Hyung, you’ve kissed me like a hundred times already,” he points out, looking at his hyung from under his eyelashes.

“Guess I’ll just have to kiss you a hundred times more,” Seunghyun reasons with a large dimpley grin.

Things are a little fragile for awhile but Seunghyun tries his hardest to make things better. He makes sure that everything is about Jiyong, and does extra things to keep the other man less stressed. And it works, Jiyong lights up under Seunghyun’s touch and for the first time in a few months, he seems confident.

He wants to make music again.

 

Life continues steadily after that. They release an EP, they do promotions, Seunghyun is happy. Sometimes he gets worried, he thinks he’s not good enough for Jiyong, his self-esteem takes a hit. But Jiyong is there. He’s always there. He reminds him that he’s Seunghyun and that there’s more to him than just his sexuality. He reminds him that there’s nothing wrong with him being the way he is. It’s just a fact of life.

Jiyong reminds him that he’s a human being. Reminds him of all the reasons why he loves him.

And eventually Seunghyun believes it.

“You’re not broken,” Jiyong smiles softly at him.

He had come home to Seunghyun sitting in his arm chair with a glass of wine and a tear streaked face. He curled up in Seunghyun’s arms after that, kissing his arm repeatedly.

“You know what you are. Say it.”

Seunghyun rests his head on Jiyong's, thanking God for giving him the greatest gift.

“I’m special.”

 

~the end~ 


End file.
